Love Takes Wing | Valentine’s & Love After Divorce
Happy Valentine’s Day sweet human!
Thanks for spending a piece of it with me. 2020 has already proven to be a year of transformation with soaring new heights and uncharted depths- and today I’m going to share a little piece of that with you that I’ve been keeping to myself these past few weeks.
If you’ve been a part of the Paradise community for a bit, you know 2020 kicked off with the start of a divorce- the end of a 10 year relationship that I spent the past 3 years or so clinging to, grieving for, and trying desperately to fix and escape in a vicious cycle. I’m aware of the judgment that can come with this sort of thing- but love doesn’t really do what it’s told, y’know? Love is unexpected, magical, powerful. . . and if you want to live a full life, you listen to love. You follow the love.
I’ve been looking forward to sharing this story. I hope you’re ready for it.
If you haven’t guessed yet- I’m in love!
And of course there’s a story to tell. I thought I was lost in love for a while, and then I thought I was found in it. . . but what I’ve finally realized is that the love that I was lost and found in was all my own. I found my wings and in the space of a new sort of love in my own heart, I learned to trust myself and finally start to fly. (Don’t get me wrong, there’s someone special, too. This isn’t just a self-love post, but that’s a part of it. Keep reading.)
Honestly? I was in love before the divorce.
I loved my ex to the end. . . and he’s not a terrible person. You’re going to find out when you read Raped, Not Ruined that he hurt me (and please save your thoughts on that, don’t jump to conclusions. Read the book first.) But there will always be some love in my heart for this person that I grew up with- that I had hopes and dreams with. . . this person I carried and then grieved children with as the miscarriages carried on. (Maybe this is biased, but I’m leaning a little more toward that belief that everything happens for a reason looking back on my ten unexplained miscarriages.) His family was the first family I really felt I had. We’ve were together before several of our sisters and brothers were even born. It’s not like that’s just tossed aside without a care. . . It’s been a process of grieving, healing, relief, guilt, and opening back up- on repeat, over and over. A little more healed, a little more free, a little more peaceful with every repetition.
The truth is that the love necessary to keep a relationship strong is a choice. . .
It’s a choice both people have to make fully and consistently. . . and by the end of it all, I wasn’t making that choice anymore. I didn’t want to keep making it. Something was eating my heart and soul trying to force myself to stay in this relationship that I chose at 14 years old and committed to for life at 18. I was in love in the background of my marriage half a dozen times- never letting anyone know, never acting on it or entertaining it, not even spending time with others, but I noticed my heart aching and felt guilty for it.
I was starving for something I couldn’t name and overflowing with love that had nowhere to go for years. . . I poured all I felt I had into my marriage over and over, trying to make up for who I was and what I wanted, trying to look the right direction, trying to heal what was broken in a relationship built on betrayal between two fourteen-year-olds from broken homes. . . I wanted to keep my head down and honor the vows I made. I didn’t want to be another statistic. I didn’t want to give up.
Until. . . I looked at what the marriage was costing me in this one life I get to live.
That’s about the time a new love found a home in me.
As in: the universe swooped in and grabbed my heart and demanded I listen. (No, really. I almost didn’t talk to him, and my heart cracked in my chest watching him walk away. Thank the beautiful stars he walked by again moments later. We both felt that.)
A beautiful friendship grew into love by accident. It happened softly and slowly (or was it all at once?), nurtured on a soulful level by us both. Still married. . . and honest with my ex about where I was. . . I felt such an inner turmoil, undecided but hopeful and in love with life again. . . I was torn between decisions and I didn’t know which one I was going to make until the moment it happened.
I knew this love would create waves that changed everything, no matter how it all ended.
When I finally made my choice, I expected to end up alone. I know better than to jump ship from one relationship to dive right into another- that’s not a smart move! (Duh.) Especially leaving such a long and unhealthy relationship. It looked like a replacement, I’m sure. But in reality, I had no expectations. I was focused on my own healing and foundations. I just couldn’t tell my throbbing heart “no, you have to keep trying to make this work.” I refused to do that. Not again. I needed to love me and pour into my own cup- my soul was calling me out into a new state of being and saying yes to the call was pure, chaotic, tragic, delightful bliss.
What you can’t see from the outside is the wild transformation that was unfolding in the days, weeks, months, and years before.
You can’t see the shell I shattered on my way out into the world when I moved to the edge of the world by myself in September, still thinking my marriage was going to grow into something incredible when he finally came along. You can’t see the crumbled innocence I demolished when I made selfish choices, hurting others while trying desperately to lean into what my soul was aching for.
You can’t see how it destroyed me to lie to another woman’s face, to put her in a painful position I know all too well myself. . . to use my love as a mask, wearing it like a lie and soiling what I found most precious in myself. (Out of this entire story, that’s the only regret I have. I used a loving presence to cover up a lie. I will never make that mistake again- it hurt so much more than any heartbreak ever could. I am ashamed of it, but I can’t share this story and not tell the whole truth. I am love. . . but I’m not perfect. You are love too, and everything is forgivable. I told you this because I want you to know that you deserve freedom from the guilt you’re carrying.)
You can’t see what beautiful strength and courageous honesty grew inside of me when I continued to lean into my soul still, when I forgave myself and every aching longing shocking step of the journey to this love. You can’t see the leap I took in honoring my soul to type that last paragraph for you to read. I’m growing in every moment. . .
This is what real love feels like.
It’s in my own heart. It’s in yours too. This is what it’s all for. Can you feel it?
I left Idaho in the fall a broken woman with a name that wasn’t mine.
I woke up on Valentine’s day a Bird- playful and free, strong, with a clear vision and a love deeper than any I’ve ever known.
I woke up today with a grounded sense of peace and gratitude. Confidence and patience and understanding that two months ago I wouldn’t have been capable of. I woke up today knowing I could be just as powerfully radiant alone in this world as I am by his side. I could sleep alone just as happy, just as light and free and fulfilled. . . and I had nothing but joy and gratitude at the gift of being with him. After leaving all the world behind for this place in the forest by the sea, years spent trying to escape. My love found a home in my own heart, and serendipity blessed me with someone to share that with.
I learned from all of this that love is beautifully unpredictable.
It doesn’t like to be tamed or managed. Love is to be nurtured, not controlled. Not managed. It can’t be tied down- the essence of love is freedom.
I think so often we get lost in the fear of a love dying, of losing love, of someone falling out of love with us. (Hell, in this relationship I actually asked him repeatedly if he was sick of me yet- and I meant it!? I know I’m not alone in being blown away that a love where you truly enjoy each other is a big deal. That’s not me today, but two months ago it was. If that’s you, I just want to say yes, it is possible. Yes it can be so good, so easy, so beautiful. If you allow it to be and stay out of your own way.)
This new relationship was born from curiosity and courage.
It only continued because we breathed through the fear. I leaned in where my heart skipped a beat- I learned the difference between a fear and a nudge from my soul. . . and I stopped giving fear a vote. If you want to create the love of your dreams, you have to learn to breathe through the fear and make a choice that goes deeper than that first instinct to run or fight. Release the fear.
We all feel the fear, you know?
Fear of not being good enough.
Fear of it not being able to last forever.
Fear of that heartbreak.
Fear of being laughed at.
Fear of being naive.
Fear of making a mistake.
Fear of hurting others.
Fear of judgment from others.
There are so many things to panic about in love,
especially if you’re scared to be alone.
When these waves come, it’s up to you to choose between love or fear. What is your next action going to be? Are you going to close up and run away? Or are you going to lean in? How can you get out of your head and make a choice that nurtures the love? How can you make room for what you want and invite it in?
We tend to have such powerful fear muscles, but to nurture a true love, you have to practice breathing through the fear.
Build your curiosity muscle instead- every chance you get. Take that fear, that panic, that pre-heartbreak (you know, the one where you know you’re about to get hurt and you want to keep going anyway). . . and just exhale.
Ask yourself: but what if this beautiful love keeps growing? What if it’s more than I ever dreamed possible? How can I nurture the love today?
Instead of forcing, clinging, begging. . .
Trust the timing of your life, and open your heart.
Trust your path. Trust serendipity and love, because there is always someone out there longing for someone just as real and raw and beautiful as you at your core. . . and as long as you can live true to yourself and let your light shine in its own unique way, you are never truly going to be alone. It’s having the courage to let yourself shine that makes it possible for love to get in. If you keep your light locked away safely, how will your twin flame ever recognize you?
The end of a love is never one-sided. . .
but neither is the beginning.
Don’t make yourself desperate- sacrificing your beautiful freedom and your radiant light in the face of possibility and joy- in hopes of winning someone’s temporary, insufficient affection. Let yourself fly free, and the right love will fly beside you. They will not drag you down, the relationship will not feel like suffocating or drowning. There won’t be a guilt-packed push-and-pull between your heart, your intentions, and the life you’re living. It won’t be so hard to know what you want. It will flow, it will be beautiful. Doors will open that you never even knew existed. You’ve lived in your heart all your life, but there are still doors in there you don’t even know exist. When you set yourself free and open that beautiful heart of yours, some of those mystery doors will open to whole new worlds.
What if?
I love you. Happy Valentine’s Day 2020 from the edge of the world.
Thanks for being a part of my journey.
Yours,
Jessica
P.S. If you enjoyed this post, you’ll love being on my email list. I send out love letters every Sunday sharing stories, lessons learned, and ponderings that lead to beautiful conversations. If you want to join, sign up here.
I’d love to welcome you into my community this week. Thank you for being here.
